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Team TIAA-CREF - 2005
Team Journal Entry - April 1, 2005, by David Robinson
'Tastes like stink'
The TIAA-CREF boys have hit Europe and is tough going, with crazy race speeds, howling winds, strange (but kind) fans and some really crappy food. David Robinson gives us some insight into all these things, and how mild-mannered young men turn into beasts when it comes to the team van.
Firmly planted in the gutter, eyes glued to the rear hub in front of you, pushing an impossibly big gear in order to stay with the pace (which of course, happens to be ridiculously high), the sound of wind wailing in your ears at jackhammer-level decibels, the occasional string of foreign words yelled with such disgust and hatred, that one can only assume they must be swear words. At one point you were giving the handlebars a death-grip like no other, but now you're simply too exhausted, and it's all you can do to just try and think about anything else, so that you're not completely fixated on the searing, constant pain running through your legs.
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Eating something would be nice, but sadly, that won't be happening anytime soon, as you're fairly certain such a maneuver would be physically impossible in your current state of oxygen debt, and likely, the only thing you'd end up eating is a nice big ol' chunk of something in the ditch. Oh, and it's raining...
Nope, this isn't a nice sunny hour-long criterium. It's stage number one of my first ever race in Europe, and it's 200 kilometers in crosswinds with a bunch of fast dudes. I don't even know what 200km equates to in miles, but I know it's enough that I'll be on my bike for a while. It really doesn't even matter, because I'm still just laughing at the whole bizarre circus that is bike racing over here...I think the spectators are the most unfamiliar thing. They're all over the place, but at the start, they're milling about, asking to take a picture, get your autograph, all that fun stuff. It's a pretty funny sight to experience coming from the US, where you're little more than a spacesuit-wearing weirdo to the rest of the country.
Here, they apparently enjoy having you around and stuff. I laugh to myself every time someone asks for my picture, as if they really covet an image of the dude with the commanding hold on first place at the front of the caravan...perhaps they just need something to laugh at later, as I'm sure a photo of a severely confused six-foot four red-headed stick boy accomplishes quite nicely.
The most amusing time of the day is typically the drive to the start of the stage. It seems that when you put six intelligent, polite, and civilized individuals into a van together, these otherwise well-behaved young adults will inexplicably revert to the crudest and most juvenile humour possible, none of which can be printed here. I can only feel sorry for our female soigneur and team photographer in the front of the van, who somehow find it in themselves to endure these remarkable moments of mastermind wit and sheer brilliance. I haven't received any water bottles full of rotten yogurt in the feedzone (yet), so I'll take that to mean that we haven't pushed the limit too far with our loving and supportive staff.
Aside from the joy of covering 130 miles (I worked it out!) in five hours on a bicycle, there are actually downsides to this place. Like the food. I'm sure there's something tasty to eat somewhere in France, it's just that I haven't found that place yet. Sitting down to eat is usually an exercise in trying to extract some hint of taste out of the slab of "steak" or pasta served to you with the condiments on hand. Pepper, grated cheese, and mustard all seem to work quite well, but there are times when the food is such a lost cause that it's hopeless. One night at the dinner table, someone wondered out loud if ketchup would make the fish taste better, and the resident cuisine expert on the team, Dan Bowman, warned against doing so, as it would "ruin the ketchup". "Tastes like stink" deserves an honorable mention. Unfortunately, both comments are markedly accurate.
A few pounds of Lucky Charms, some easy "bike practice", maybe a little sleep, and I should be good to for the next race, which is another UCI stage race, this time in the sunny surrounds of Puerto Rico. Wish me luck
David
