www.cyclingnews.com presents the 90th Tour de France, 2003.

Mon dieu! She's back, she's bad, and she's... fashionably late as usual. But we've all been missing her, and thank heavens PGGB is here for the Centenary Tour - giving her slightly bizarre (OK, twisted) account of dirty secrets from the Tour de France.

Tour de France entries

We are podium girls, not nuns!
Bon Soir et Adieu
Podium girl café
Podium pots
The secret of youth
Prologue - Stage 2 - Not all bubbly-pop and kiss, kiss, kiss
Index to all entries

We are podium girls, not nuns!

(This entry is in response to a podium girl named Alicia being thrown out of the Tour de France this week for socialising a little more than she was supposed to - Ed.)

Mon dieu! To kick out zee sweet podium girl because of a leetle secret kiss, kiss, kiss? Quelle dommage! Zee beautiful girl and zee handsome rider - C'est la vie, C'est le Tour!

Young love - le Centenary Romeo and Juliette. Zee tears run down my cheek and my mascara is zee big mess. 'Ow can we say no, 'ow can we resist? We are supposed to look and dress sexy on zee podium, but not be sexy? We are podium girls, not nuns!

Bon soir et Adieu

Once were podie girls
Photo: © PGGB

You must go now, my leetle ones - so soon? Zis has been zee quickie for me - I 'ope it has been good for you! But, after so many good-byes each night - non, mai oui, I meant to zay each Tour, parting is such sweet silliness. So, I weel just take zee leetle walk away from zee podium, and who knows, we may meet behind zee podium again next year...

Bon soir et Adieu,
PGGB

Podium girl café

Café grande!
Photo: © PGGB

So, my leetle ones, you again ask me how to become zee Podium Girl! Mon Dieu, how does zee beautiful girl become zee movie star, or zee recording star? How does zee beautiful girl get on zee stage in Las Vegas and show her silicone bazooms to zee world? Have you lived in zee convent all your life, you sillies?

'Allo, here is something standing up zat we must do, besides zee scrub, scrub, scrub... Zhose riders, zey love zee coffee in zee morning, and zee podium girl wanna-be (as you zay in America) must take zee huge cup of coffee to them. Beaucoup du cafe! It is no wonder zat zey must stop for zee group pee so often!

A bientot,
PGGB

Podium pots

Alt.podium
Photo: © PGGB

Where is zee PGGB, you ask? I hear zat you worry about your only PGGB in zee world. My dearies, I had such wicked thoughts zat I was deleted and again punished. C'est vrai! I cannot speak zee word about it. Do not ask or I am, how you say, a goner.

Hah - I know you all want to know about zee punishment. Oh, zay were so very clever. "Oh, PGGB," they zay with zee sweetness in zee voice, "We have work for you on zee podium." Oh, Mon Dieu, I become so very 'appy! I run there fast on my dainty leetle podium feet before some young, beautiful girl gets zis podium job.

Zut! Zay hand me zee little round brush, and here is zee podium work zat I had to do. C'est une honte - Shameful - disgrace! I will say no more, but I tell you zat I cannot think anything but zee wicked thoughts. Punish me as you will, I cannot be good... I can only be zee PGGB!

A bientot!
PGGB

The secret of youth

Stone-faced
Photo: © PGGB

Now, my dearies, I have zee little Podium Girl Secret to tell you. We know zat zee Podium Girl must be young and beautiful. Oui? So we Beautiful Ones must worry about every leetle sign of aging, and apply beaucoup make-up to conceal zee truth - it has always been zis way.

But zee girls have now discovered une miracle! We have found zee Botox! What, you do not know about Botox? Well, silly, you must find out for yourself on zee Internet, for I am too busy to tell you. But I will tell you about one poor thing who became addicted to zis magic youth potion - it is zee pitiful story, to be sure. She had so many leetle shots in her face that zee muscles froze up! She could no longer make zee big Podium smile, and could not pucker for zee kiss, kiss, kiss! She, of course, had to turn in her yellow outfit and now she hangs out in zee park all zee day.

You do not believe me? Would PGGB lie?

A bientot,
PGGB

Not all bubbly-pop and kiss, kiss, kiss

Scrub, scrub, scrub
Photo: © PGGB

Bon Jour, my dearies. I hear zat you have been missing me! Oui, your PGGB is alive and well at zees Big Deal Tour. But I must tell you that it is still not zee easy life for zee poor Podium Girl. Oui, c'est vrai - every morning so very early we must get up and sweep and clean zee caravan vehicles. In our bathrobes and pajamas, we scrub, scrub, scrub. You do not believe zis? So here is zee photo to prove it. Zee life of zee Podium Girl is not all bubbly-pop and kiss, kiss, kiss.

Mon dieu, here comes someone with a toilet bowl brush - I must find a team bus to hide in...

A bientot,
PGGB

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