Special edition news for April 1, 2002

Milan San Remo "too easy"

Parcours to undergo radical change

By Jeff Jones

The organisers of Milan-San Remo, RCS Sport, will run the classic next year over a substantially different parcours, after protests by fans that the race was "too easy". Five out of the last six editions of La Primavera have ended in bunch sprints (and the sixth was pretty close to it), culminating with Mario Cipollini's triumph in this year's edition.

For many cycling fans and riders, this was too much, as sprinters win far too often during the season, denying the real cyclists a chance of any glory. During the last Milan-San Remo, the tifosi took matters into their own hands, sabotaging four-time winner Erik Zabel's bike during the race with some carefully placed caltrops, and ensuring that he didn't regain contact by causing a crash just before the Cipressa. Unfortunately this also took out the non-sprinting favourites such as Danilo Di Luca and Erik Dekker, but didn't manage to nab Cipollini, who was forewarned by an anonymous tip off on his race radio and took a back road around the Cipressa.

Although this attempt to change the course of the race may sound shocking to some, Cyclingnews has learned that the organisers themselves already tried to do this last year. "In 2001 we realised that we had to do something to prevent Erik Zabel from winning again," a source at RCS Sport told Cyclingnews. "So we staged an avalanche on the Turchino Pass a few weeks before, meaning that we could take the riders over the higher Bric Berton (773 m). Unfortunately it didn't work - Zabel was too strong and his fourth victory was almost a farce. It was an insult to the credibility and history of the race."

Similarly, many of the riders have not been too impressed either with the recent editions of the race. A delegation led by Marco Pantani threatened to sue the organisers if something wasn't done in time for 2003.

"We couldn't allow this to happen," said the RCS spokesperson. "There simply aren't enough lawyers in Italy to handle another court case at the moment."

One option considered was to have the riders do a U-turn at the top of the Poggio, race back the way they came and finish atop the Bric Berton. Although this would lengthen the race by another 132 kilometres, it was unworkable within the constraints of UCI blood testing in the morning and the mandatory 17:00 finish decreed by the world wide governing body for cycling, RAI Sport.

Another option was to fly a helicopter behind the early breakaway to provide some extra assistance, a tactic already used with great success in past editions of the Giro d'Italia. However, that plan could be risky, as this year there were no Italians in the early break that escaped on the Bric Berton.

Instead, the organisers have opted for a more conventional tactic: the start will still be in Milan but the riders will head to the Alpi Orobie, north of Bergamo, where they will tackle both sides of the Mortirolo (twice up each side), with the finish at the top. Although snow may be a hindrance at that time of year, RCS Sport declared that if Andy Hampsten could handle it, they don't see why anyone else couldn't.

The plan has met with mixed reactions from riders, who still believe that the sprinters will have too much of a look in. Erik Zabel barely raised an eyebrow, telling Cyclingnews, "If this is the case, I will lose this 10 kilo's of blubber that I've been carrying around for the last 13 years and learn to climb. I don't foresee any problems."

On the other hand, Mario Cipollini has ridiculed the idea, saying that by pandering to the lightweights, Milan-San Remo loses all its class and character. The Lion King intends to show up to the start next year in nothing but a pair of sandals and a unicycle equipped with a 53x12. When asked about his choice of gear, he said that he would have used 53x11 had the race followed its traditional route.

UCI to ban dog-ownership among pro cyclists

An end to protection for OOC testing? Photo: © CN

By Rufus Staffordshire

To coincide with the introduction of urine testing for EPO, which started on April 1 last year, the UCI has introduced another weapon in its battle against drugs - an across the board ban on the ownership of dogs by any person holding a UCI racing licence.

"We are against 'man's best friend' being unfairly recruited to aid the use of illegal, performance-enhancing substances," said a spokesperson for the UCI. "Apart from providing a cover for the retention of many banned substances, we are facing severe job losses as drugs testers hand in their needles due to being confronted by highly-trained, vicious animals when trying to perform out-of-competition testing."

It appears that the dog of choice has become the Bull mastiff, known for the massive power in its jaws and its mythical power as a repellent to vampires. "I read they were used in Transylvania to protect the hard-working labourers when they were out on the road," said a modern-day convict of the road. "Nothing has changed, has it?"

Andre Tchmil's war history unveiled

Retrieved photos show action during The Battle for Stalingrad

Early season training for Flanders Photo: © CN

By Roger Ebert

A film researcher has revealed photographic evidence that the awesome veteran of pro cycling, Andre Tchmil, is actually over 80 years old.

The discovery was made by a specialist Moldovian film researcher, Egeussit Koudabeenim, who was employed by legendary French film-maker Jean-Jacques Annaud on his sweeping epic, Enemy at The Gates, reportedly the most expensive film ever made in Europe.

As Koudabeenim was researching the archives, he uncovered photographs of Soviet troops bravely repelling the invading German forces in The Battle for Stalingrad, an epic confrontation that raged from 1942-43 and was a defining event of WW2. The rare images were restored by the researcher, himself a keen cyclist, after he detected the use of 'hairnet-style' head gear by one of the soldiers, a form of protection still favoured by Tchmil.

"As I am a big fan of Andre's; this discovery will only add to the great rider's reputation," he said.

"This is so depressing," said a stagiaire on a French pro team when he heard of the news. "Already we struggle to hold the wheel of this mighty veteran, and to learn that he's more than twice the age we already think he is, well, I just can't go on."

The cyclist, who declined to be named, has decided that he needs to learn more about real survival and has applied for a job as bodyguard to Ahmad Kadyrov, widely considered to be the most wanted man in Cechnya.

Hair Replacement company to launch team for 2003 Tour

By Anthony Tan

In response to the growing number of elite riders in the European peloton aging so quickly on top, US-Italian hair replacement firm IWantInonSomeHair (IWISH) is aiming to launch a Division 1 team in 2003, with the aim of securing one of the six wildcard [bald] spots in next year's TDF.

IWISH hopes to sign on some quality riders, including Marco Pantani, Daniele Nardello, Paolo Bettini and Levi Leipheimer. Spokesman for IWISH, 1956 Olympic Road Champion Ercole Baldini, informed Cyclingnews that the primary objective for 2003 will be to have all nine cyclists at the start line sporting beautifully groomed 'Mullets'.

The Mullet was first thought to be a hair style whose naming origins stemmed from the like-named breed of fish. Legend has it the fishmongers of Iceland cultivated the hair style to keep their necks warm and dry against the North Atlantic spray.

However other sources claim this theory to be false, and believe the Mullet has its origin in the ancient Palaces and Universities of Poland. They say Mullet is actually a compound word combining the words "mull" to ponder, and "et" a Polish suffix meaning eternally - thus the Mullet gets its name from those who were forever engaged in intellectual processes.

With such enormous intellectual power in the peloton, it looks like the other teams will simply have to out-ride the Mullet gang, as they'll certainly have a tough time trying to outwit this hairy lot.